Give the feeling a name, calmly, while it is happening: "You are mad. The tower fell down." Naming a feeling out loud helps a small child understand what is going on inside, and tells them it is allowed. Then offer one thing to do with it, a big stomp or a slow breath, and save the talk for later.
It is five o’clock. The blue cup is in the dishwasher, the green cup is wrong, and a two year old is on the kitchen floor roaring about it. From the outside it is a fuss over a cup. From the inside it is a wave of feeling with no name. Toddlers do not yet have words for what they feel, so it comes out through the body: stomping, crying, going stiff. Giving them the words is slow work, a few seconds at a time, and it starts with you saying them first. A feeling with a name is smaller than a feeling without one, and a child who can say "I am mad" has somewhere to put it other than the floor.
Which feeling words should we start with?
Four is plenty: happy, sad, mad and scared. They cover most of a toddler’s day, they are short, and each one has a face to go with it. Once those are familiar, add the in-between ones that come up most in your house: tired, frustrated, excited, shy, proud, loved.
Use the same words every time, about yourself and the people in books too, not only your child. "The bunny looks scared." "I feel proud of that drawing." The more often a word is heard attached to a face, the sooner it is ready to use.
What do I say in the moment, and what do I save for later?
In the moment, say very little. A toddler mid-storm cannot follow a sentence, let alone a lesson. Get low, slow your voice, and use one short line:
- Name it: "You are mad."
- Say what happened: "The tower fell down."
- Allow it: "That is a big feeling. It is okay to be mad."
- Offer one thing to do with it: "Let’s stomp it out," or "Squeeze my hands," or "Deep breath, then a soft roar."
Then stay close and wait. Big feelings get smaller on their own, the way weather does, and a calm adult nearby is most of what a toddler needs. Later, over a snack or at bedtime, is the time for the longer talk: "Remember when the tower fell? You were so mad. Then you breathed and built it again." That retelling is where the words stick.
Rory the tiger cub does exactly this in Rory and the Big Loud Feeling, a free read-along: his stone tower crashes, something big and loud comes roaring up, and a friend sits down nearby, not too close, and says, "I know. That is allowed." The feeling gets smaller, and Rory builds the tower again.
What are gentle feelings games for calm times?
Practice when nothing is wrong, the way you would practice a breath, a minute at a time.
- Make the face. "Show me your happy face. Now your scared face." Then swap: you make the face, they name it.
- Which one is it? Point at a face in a picture book and ask, "Is the bear sad or happy?" Two choices, not an open question.
- Deep breath, then roar. Rory’s way: when a feeling gets really big, take a deep breath, then roar, softly. Practice it before you ever need it.
- Stomp, squeeze, bounce. Give each feeling a move. Mad gets three stomps, counted out loud; scared gets a squeeze of your hand; excited gets a bounce. Counting the stomps is practice in itself, which we wrote about in how to teach a toddler to count.
A short video can carry a lot of this for you. In Big Feelings with Rory, Rory shows happy, sad, angry and scared with his face and his body, plays a name-the-feeling game and does the deep breath and the soft roar. More Big Feelings with Rory adds excited, shy, proud, jealous and loved. Both are free, and they work best when you make the faces along with your child. The free Feelings Faces game asks your child to tap the face that shows a feeling. For the breathing part, see calm-down breathing exercises for kids and toddlers.
How do I help my child notice how other people feel?
Noticing someone else’s feeling comes after naming your own, and it is the same skill pointed outward. Narrate the faces you see together: "That baby is crying. She looks sad." Ask what might help, and accept any answer.
For members, How Others Feel with Rory, a Premium video, walks through it slowly: Rory reads a friend’s sad face, offers a gentle hug, shares a favorite toy and watches the smile come back. Try it with a stuffed animal: give the bear a sad face and ask what the bear needs.
Two feelings at once is a big idea around doctors, first days and goodbyes. Brave at the Doctor with Rory on the Oodleloo songs page is a free song with the line "a little scared and a little brave, you can feel both, and that’s okay," a good line for the car on the way to a checkup. You can meet Rory and hear him say hello on Rory’s friend page.
Questions parents ask
Is it okay for my toddler to be angry?
Yes. Anger is a normal feeling. Help them learn what to do with it: name it, stomp it out, breathe, and come back. Hurting someone is not okay, and you can say both things at once: "You are mad. We do not hit."
What if naming the feeling makes it bigger?
Sometimes a child cries harder when they feel seen, and that is often the feeling coming out rather than growing. Keep your voice low, say less, and stay. If a word reliably sets things off, try a quieter one for now, such as "that is hard" instead of "you are sad."
How do I talk about my own feelings?
Simply and in the moment: "I am frustrated, the lid is stuck. I am going to take a breath." Keep it to small, everyday feelings.
When should I ask a pediatrician?
If your child’s feelings worry you, or the storms seem to be getting harder rather than easier over months, ask. Asking early is never a mistake.
